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Thursday, March 17, 2005

Learn English the EWP Way

Loads of immigrants the metropolis these days, and who is out there helping them learn English? Why, I am helping them, of course! Or I will be helping them, as soon as my Learn English The EWP Way project is completed and distributed. It's amazing - two cassette tapes and a booklet of English phrases. Just listen to the tapes and follow along in the booklet, and you'll be speaking English in no time! I put the emphasis on simple phrases that most natives use several times a day. Easy peasy.

I don't speak Somali or Ukrainian or whatever it is that immigrants speak these days, but I do not intend to let that fact soil my project. I have only a few phrases yet untranslated, and they're tricky ones:

"Look at all the dog shit on that lawn. Have those people no shame?"
"What do you mean, no off-sale liquor on Sunday? Have you people no shame?"
"Stop prancing around like a girl and fight me with this stick."
"What?!? Pfff. Acupuncture isn't real."
"I'm going to have a nap now. When I wake up, all of these cowboy hats had better be OUT of the kitchen."
"When I saw you at the pier, I wanted to tell you that I loved you. But instead, I just went home with your sister."
"Who is this fellow 'Hercules?' I say, is he god... or man?"
"It's maple syrup. It's for pancakes. Just shut up and eat what I put in front of you."
"There are several types of clouds. Cirrus, stratus, etc. - all of them failures."
"When you take a hot shower and fog up the mirror, wipe off the entire mirror. Don't just wipe off enough to see your face. Nobody wants to see your face."
"Can you keep the back long and sorta feather the sides a little? I'd like to look like Steve Perry."


Blogger noisy ghost said...

Don't forget several important phrases that have served me well in my many world travels:

"How tall is your dentist?"
"Would you mind if I whip up a sandwich on the dashboard of your Honda?"

5:43 PM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

"No, these are bangers. We don't serve haggis in England."

10:02 PM  

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