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Monday, April 25, 2005

Enough With the Lake Rubbish

I've noticed a lot of loose weeds and brown foam and Little Debbie wrappers washing onto the shore at the lake. What an intolerable mess! Whose turn is it to tidy the lake? If it were my lake, I'd be out there raking that nonsense up. "Look at that gorgeous nutter raking her lake," amused passersby would shout. I'd smile and wave at them, of course, but after they'd traipsed by I'd follow them with great stealth - then out of nowhere I'd kick in the back of their knees. Then I'd throw a tarp over their heads and continue to kick the living bejesus out of them as they writhe in agony and rue. "Look at the gorgeous nutter raking her lake!" I'd shout, and kick and kick and kick. Then I'd kick some more. If anybody tries to pull me away from the tarp I'll thrash at them and shriek "THEY TOOK MY BABY!! THEY TOOK MY BABY!!"

Somebody better start cleaning up that lake before I get angry.


Blogger Chris Cope said...

Look at that gorgeous nutter beating the shit out of a tarp.

12:31 PM  
Blogger thehotlibrarian said...

Kick ass, Sea Bass! I'm still laughing, picturing this tarp ass-beating.

1:08 PM  
Anonymous The Wordy Bird said...

According to the Little Debbie website, those buggers have cranked out some 133 billion Little Debbies since 1960. If I had that many wrappers to clean up from the shores of some lousy lake, I don't think I'd cotton too kindly to unsolicited comments from amused passerby, either.

2:38 PM  
Blogger kenju said...

Oh, Esther, such passion! I'll be back to read more.......

3:32 PM  
Anonymous Old Horsetail Snake said...

That's it! That's it! I KNEW you were a gorgeous nutter, I just couldn't put my finger on it. Thanks for clearing that up, Miss Esther.

You do have toe-caps, just in case somebody passes by, don't you?

6:16 PM  
Blogger Kris said...

Where do we mail in for the videos?

2:15 AM  
Anonymous stephenesque said...

Perhaps you might consider investing in one of my newly invented Loch Ness AquaVacuum Cleaners. I can especially recommend the "Monster" model which sucks up everything around it, including hecklers. Only $4000 icl. P&P. No refunds. COD accepted. Visa, MC, AE and all the other ones too. Call today, etc.

8:05 AM  
Blogger Bleak Mouse said...

I often use the "They've taken my baby!" strategy, too. It's a real icebreaker in potentially awkward social situations. I use it when a credit card is refused; or when I'm about to be forcibly ejected from a restaurant; or when some no-account acquaintance attempts to collect an ostensible debt; or when a police officer intervenes in a disagreement between myself and another party by inquiring, "What's going on here, then?"
I rarely "thrash," though, except on those occasions when I have to upgrade to my "grand mal" strategy.

2:28 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Thrashing is integral to the Method. Don't question the Method! The Method is sound!

2:49 PM  
Blogger Bleak Mouse said...

Well, yes, I can see that. There's a certain irrevocable logic to the Method. But I prefer to begin with clever verbal subtleties, and "They've taken my baby!" certainly fits the bill. (I used to use, "He's got a bomb!" but this sort of play on social conventions usually sails right over the heads of unsophisticated folk.) I'd just as soon not get right into tarps and kicks and thrashings if they can be avoided. I have to live around here. Well, perhaps I don't. Methodological integrity IS vital. Damn, now I've got to rethink the whole thing.

1:33 AM  
Anonymous Laura said...

I think the baby angle could work, BUT... then you'll have all the angry ex wives show up at the lake to stop you, because um,
(there might be a few errant ex husbands sort of "laying around" under the water and uh...)

well, I'm just saying...

6:46 AM  

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