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Saturday, October 02, 2004

Consider This

I don’t like to see monkeys riding other animals. It makes me bitterly sad. I am serious about this one! Do not bring your monkey cowboy over to my ranch! I will not let you in. The monkey can come in for tea, if he’s been taught basic table manners. If I notice that you are a poor monkey custodian, I may commandeer your monkey and teach him how to fish. He can feed himself and live on my land. I will buy him a pink playhouse, and I will insulate it so that he can live by the river year round. I will hook up all the usual utilities so that he can have hot showers and a clock radio. He can have a stove for heat and a range for cooking. Do you know what I won’t give him? A riding dog. And let me tell you, if I ever catch my river monkey riding my dog, I will have some PRETTY SEVERE words for him.


Blogger Misspent Life said...

But I have seen the great monkey riding the horse. He is truly a delight! If you want a river monkey, get your own damn beast.

8:31 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

There is no denying the existence of a strong Pro-Whiplash lobby. I cannot fight you alone. I will fight you 10 years hence, when I have amassed my army of disenfranchised river monkeys. We will make war. It will be like the War of Northern Aggression, but with river monkeys, and without the Northern Aggression. We will undoubtedly lose. Our agrarian economy will be no match for your superior brains and infrastructure. Decades later, our flag will decorate the roof of an orange action-comedy car with a musical horn.

11:41 PM  
Blogger Misspent Life said...

And in this future distopia, my cocksure monkeys will all be fat and have several lackey monkeys to do their bidding. Unfortunately, in addition to becoming fat off the labor of your shanty-town river monkeys (the females of which will wear tiny short pants) they will also become idle and incompetent and have terrible accents.

Both our monkeys, however, will be derided as stupid and simple compared to the dainty continental monkeys with their fancy moustaches sitting in cafes sipping small coffees and teas while smoking cheap cigarettes.

I will also breed sophisticated monkeys who will sit in leather chairs and drink single malt distilled beverages. These monkeys will be inheritors of a great monkey culture, but will be so aloof that they will do nothing as their monkeydom decays around them, falling prey to the common monkey trash churned out by my cowboy monkeys. The only thing that will get their monkey goats will be the common monkeys' campaign to stop their monkey hunting.

In the end all of our monkeys will be defeated by ululating Mohammedan monkeys, funded entirely by the continental monkeys who do not wish to upset their imported monkey wait staff.

2:26 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

Sir, I commend you on a vision both compelling and worrisome. I fear for my monkeys and their shiftless progeny. I blame myself. I also blame the demon rum.

10:23 PM  

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