As Always, I Aim to Help

Sometimes I feel that low-income rental housing is not the answer. Something else must be done with these people who cannot afford palatial homes of their own. I often wonder: have these people had a go at the stage? The theatre world is known for welcoming new talent with open arms, and I hear there's nothing like an off-Broadway paycheck to free a man from the financial indiscretions of his past. This naturally leads me to the subject of Social Security; many people ask me where I stand on the issue. Given the political climate these days, I would never dream of standing on an issue, as they are too often pulled out from under me at raucous cocktail parties, causing me to tumble onto the host; this inevitably results in a fistfight between me and the host's wife. At any rate, I am in favor of replacing Social Security with Folger's Crystals, though many wet-blanket lawmakers seem to think that such action amounts to "taking the easy way out."

Many of the same lawmakers have also informed me that the Folger's Crystals reference is "dead" to them and that I need to "learn to reference newer commercial entities, such as Splenda or French Vanilla flavored CoolWhip."