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Thursday, December 02, 2004

I Will Not Go

I'm not going to see Alexander, primarily because I hate movies, and almost primarily because I hate Colin Farrell, and primarly because I hate that actress whose name escapes me, and especially because Oliver Stone is a bore, and especially primarily because movies about events that occurred before America was born are a waste of time. I don't want to see a movie that does not acknowledge America's amazing logging industry, her sturdy library system, her mighty Bose noise-cancelling technology, her excellent steakhouses, Wellesley College, Crest Whitestrips, Long John Silver's, or Cheech Marin. When Oliver Stone contacts me next week, I will help him create a cinematic paroxysm the likes of which you have never dreamed of. We will call this film "Krippendorf's Tribe II," but it will have nothing in common with the original. We will use the name "Krippendorf's Tribe" the way a small crab uses a larger crab's cast-off shell. And when Oliver Stone and I are too big for the shell, we will move out, and maybe Judy Dench will move in. I don't know. It's all very up in the air at the moment.

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