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Monday, January 23, 2006

It’s Time to Put Your Feet Up and Take Your Mind Off Your Troubles

ITEM! Apparently, the Wall Street Journal offices are rife with disease. I know this because people keep finding Topic Drift by googling “wall street journal staph infections.” As I always say, torpid speculation in conjunction with five distinct Google searches constitutes a convergence of evidence, or proof.

Is it safe to handle your morning Wall Street Journal? Not on your life. Staph can be deadly. Just read the WSJ online, or better yet, discontinue your subscription immediately, pack your bags and enlist in the French Foreign Legion. You deserve it! It’s time to put your feet up and take your mind off your troubles. In addition to putting up your feet, you will need to be able to do 30 pushups and 50 situps. You must be able to climb a 20 foot rope without using said feet or a ladder, and you must be able to run 8 kilometres with a 12 kilogram rucksack in less than one hour. You must do 8 chinups with your palms away from you as you grip the bar, and you must not be married. These are not my personal stipulations; they are the grandiose stipulations of the French Foreign Legion. Who are you to question the French Foreign Legion? Let’s eat.


Blogger Chris Cope said...

That Foreign Legion thing sounds like a great way to stay fit. Plus, you get plenty of sun. I assume they'd also teach me some French, which would be handy when I become rich and move to Quebec. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

5:20 PM  
Anonymous adolfo velasquez said...

What the hey-o! happened to your blog?

8:35 PM  
Anonymous adolfo velasquez said...

Never mind, it's better now.

Chris's comment had me flummoxed.

8:37 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

The French Foreign Legion is so "passe." I'm joining the Spanish Foreign Legion. Check out the benefits:

Its members, regardless of rank, are titled caballero legionario ("knight legionnaire").

When women became admitted, they were titled damas legionarias ("lady legionnaire").

When in trouble, a legionnaire shouts ¡A mí la Legión! ("To me, Legion!"). Those within earshot are obligated to help him regardless of the circumstances or any other considerations.

Legionnaires can sport beards and wear their shirts open on the chest. They are also allowed to have tattoos, which typically depict scenes of war.

Besides, 8 kilometers with a 12 kilogram rucksack in under one hour? This is too much to ask for, even if you do get to eat French food.

2:32 AM  
Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

france is better than people make out. french food is not as good as people make out

10:55 AM  
Anonymous vicki said...

yes,yes,yes- but do they have a good retirement plan?

4:33 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

Excellent retirement plan too:

One Peseta annually for each year of service. It continues to accrue if you're killed while rendering assistance to a ¡A mí la Legión! call. I asked to speak to a retiree and went to the address they gave me, but I found myself standing in a rather old Catholic cemetary. I think my Spanish needs improvement.

10:44 PM  
Anonymous Xaume said...

A friend of mine served in the Spanish Foreign Legion, in the early eighties. He was a tough, and also a bit mad.

4:11 PM  

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