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Sunday, July 13, 2008

Plans, Vol. 1

People keep asking me if I’ll be blogging from the Republican National Convention, and the answer is yes, I will be blogging from the Republican National Convention, if by “blogging from the Republican National Convention” you mean “showing up at the Xcel Center with a Power Bar and a briefcase full of Jesse Helms EVPs on tape.” If I can’t sell them there, I can’t sell them anywhere. Of course, I’ll probably spend some time walking behind conventioneers, stepping on their heels so their feet come out of their loafers. When they turn around to see who deshod them, I’ll quickly hand them a kitten and run like hell in the other direction. Then they’ll be stuck outdoors with a kitten, because you can’t bring kittens inside the Xcel Center. Believe me, I’ve tried.

2 Comments:

Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I'm surprised you would try to take Jesse Helms inside.

3:47 PM  
Blogger Ivan the Terrible said...

Funnily enough I ran into the exact same problem at the Democrats' Convention in 2004, only with an Arby's Thickburger. Apparently meat of any description is persona non grata with the tree-hugging eco-Nazis who've colonized the Credentials Committee. Fat, on the other hand, is not a problem, if the welcomes accorded Oprah's ass and Tim Robbin's head were any indication.

Anyway, I must say that there is a glaring flaw in your nefarious plan this time, Esther, in that any Republican worth his snowy white salt will have drowned half a dozen kittens before breakfast. With the huge fountain in the plaza only yards away, I fear that you will not detain them long...

9:08 PM  

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