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Wednesday, July 16, 2008


Ran into Violet in the woods today. I demanded to know what she was doing skulking around the woods like a common polecat. “I could ask the same of you,” she hissed. And I was all, “Fuck you, I’M LACTOSE INTOLERANT!!" Our eyes locked in mutual suspicion, we slowly backed away from each other and bolted our separate ways. After a bit of laborious contemplation, I realize I should have dealt her the wages of sin on the spot, but it’s too late now. She is a simple sort, and further antagonism would only perplex her. Perhaps I’ll send her a box of those licorice candies she detests.


Blogger Crystal said...

i like your stories.

10:15 AM  
Blogger Ivan the Terrible said...

You should not have revealed your weakness in so cavalier a fashion, Esther. Even the most common of polecats has access to dairy products now, thanks to those "super markets" of which my televisual device often speaks. I fear your licorice candies will do nothing to deflect the wrath of the cunningly cream-filled glacé cherries she is doubtless preparing as we speak. It is my considered advice, therefore, that you just track her down and shoot her execution style and have done. Or report her to the IRS for tax evasion. It's all good.

Now that's sorted, why not relax with one of those lovely cherry things on your desk oh wait oh God no nooooo! Bummer - too late. Hmm - sausage for breakfast again today, I see...

10:52 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Golly, I had forgotten all about Lic-Ris-Ets. Or are you serving some other kind of licorice?

7:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find it shocking how the Lactose Intolerant are treated in these degenerate times. Have you contacted your local ACLU representative, Miss Wilberforce-Packard? Justice all but demands a response.

I have also become alarmed at the growing number of inhabitants one finds in woodlands and other out of the way places these days--something should be done.

1:39 PM  
Blogger staghounds said...

Lactose Intolerant?

I'll have you know that Lacto-Americans are as good as anyone else.

You need more diversity training.

6:36 AM  

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