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Wednesday, August 03, 2005

In Case You Don't Speak French, "Le Soleil" means "The Magnificent Fish"

I just looked at a major Canadian newspaper online. It turns out the Canadians are on the verge of attacking us. They seem to believe that we are using the shiny side of our iPods to direct massive doses of our extra UVA and UVB rays across the border and into their canneries. This causes the Canadian canneries much "garmonbozia," according to leading analysts, though what these analysts are actually studying remains a mystery. The entire article is nonsense, of course, and is related to other sorts of Canadian nonsense, of which Mountie brutality and incompetence are the chiefest. "Perhaps if these Mounties would put down their 'People Magazines' and their 'Race Profiling for Dummies' and their 'Archie Comics' for a few minutes, they could work on deflecting these harmful rays back into America - or better yet, deflecting these rays through America and into Mexico. Mexico is the real enemy," said Don Jeff, the Italian I spoke to on the phone. Don't know who Don Jeff is, or why he phoned me with this information, but I feel that it is important that I pass it on to you. "Consider the source," some people say, though I would never say that. "Disregard the source, all information is created equal" - that's what I always say; in fact, I have it engraved on a belt buckle. Anyway, I don't have an iPod, so none of this particularly chafes my hide.


Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

As I have previously reported, Canadians are sneaking into the U.S. from Mexico. We have four of them strung up on barbed wire near the Rio Grande to try to dissuade others. They strongly resemble coyotes.

My suspicion is they are smuggling deus ex machina into the U.S. Or creamed corn. They are both illegal, as you know.

12:25 PM  
Blogger Chris Cope said...

Is this one of the belt buckles you won during your years in the rodeo circuit?

4:51 PM  
Blogger Esther Wilberforce-Packard said...

No, I sold those buckles to raise the capital necessary to realize my dream of managing a synergistic yet reactionary domestic-policy think tank while affording myself enough free time to operate a decent canoe outfitter franchise on Lake Mille Lacs.

5:32 PM  
Blogger Shane said...

Don Jeff - I knew him when he went by the name of Don Juan. He never got over deing dumped by Rita - a shy girl from Vancouver.

2:42 PM  

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