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Topic Drift

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Aha!, etc.

Good idea for a movie:

Mary Poppins comes back from the dead to mind two very towheaded children who, despite serious and vague credentials, are not quite Nazi-style Aryan - probably because their maternal granny was a homosexual. The children live in a grand mansion infested with tiny ants. Mary Poppins suggests sprinkling cayenne pepper near the ant entry points. “This discourges the ants,” she says. Obviously, dammit, cayenne does nothing to discourage ants, so after the Tripods snatch Mary Poppins and provisions run low, the children feast on ants. Also, the children shrink to the size of ants and hunt ants with ant spears and wear ant pelts. This keeps them alive until the end of the war. Cameo by Jackie Onassis.

I had a second idea for a movie starring Taylor Dayne as Taylor D’ayne, a roadtripping single mother who will stop at nothing to crap in the haunted toilet at the Winchester Mystery House. Unfortunately, it features an animated underwater fantasy sequence involving ominous Disneyesque characters. I've been warned that animated sequences have gone the way of Steller’s Sea Cow, i.e., nobody cares about Steller’s Sea Cow, so I may have to replace it with my usual black and white stock footage of a villain slicing a steak with a comically small knife.

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Dog

Here is my dilemma. All I have left to live for is 1.) this blog and 2.) my wits. Do I start posting again, or devote my time to honing my wits? No, no, no - wait, I meant nits. I have nits. So, do I start posting again, or devote my time to phoning my nits? Soon my nits will be nymphs, and then full-fledged adult lice – they grow up so fast! I don’t want any louse of mine to wonder where I was all the time, why I never bothered to call, or why I was drunk, or absent, or both, during his soccer matches and birthday beatings. I don’t want to be a shitty host. I want to be a vital part of my nit’s lives. Then again, maybe I want to blog more often. Such decisions are never easy.

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