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Topic Drift

Monday, February 27, 2006

Everything I Do, I Do For Pall

What is this? I go away for a week and nobody cares but Paul?! Oh, that is it. I'm going to institute a new Topic Drift blog serial, "Everything I Do, I Do For Paul." This new blog series will deal primarily with my feelings about office supplies. I must warn you, however: this new scheme will involve anguished free verse. You may not care about my feelings about office supplies, but Paul cares. Of this I am certain.

"Everything I Do, I Do For Paul" Post #1

Avery Table of Contents Dividers with Pockets
You remind me of feeling free
You remind me of feeling the freedom that comes with
Never knowing if Mamma loved me
She never told me I was good
Avery Table of Contents Dividers with Pockets
Whutchoo keep in yo' pawkets, bitch?

Monday, February 20, 2006

On Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Let not a man guard his dignity, but let his dignity guard him," said Ralph Waldo Emerson, probably while sitting on the can, eating pistachios out of a paper sack. Dignity isn't a given; it's often a taken, and then the guy's off a-runnin'. Will you catch him? Not in those shoes you won't.

While I believe that he meant well, I do not believe that Ralph Waldo Emerson was a good painter. Did he paint, and if so, oils or houses? I don't know. You wait here while I do a Google search.

A famous quotation of Emerson's goes a little like this: "A friend is one before whom I may think aloud." Pffuh. You know as well as I do that this man had no friends. Shut up, Ralph Waldo Emerson. Nobody likes a blabbermouth. Try to be the one who's interested in other people; everyone likes that guy. Plus, he's usually a pushover who'll buy you a drink.

Finally he says something we can all agree upon: "Children are all foreigners." And all foreigners are children, I do think. We keep things simple.

Ho! This one is positively cake-taking! "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." No sane man would postulate such balderdash. If you leave a trail on my land, so help me god I will find you and I will cut you. First, of course, I must buy land. Watch this space.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Then Your Eyes Shall Be Opened

It's been a terrific week; I have been dreadfully ill, but not so ill that I couldn't eat a two-month ration of caramel-plugged Hershey's Kisses in one sitting.


Don't you know, I wasn't actually sick when I ate the Kisses. I became sick the next day or something - why split hairs? - and the only obstacle between me and more Kisses is my fear of the unknown. Will I die if I eat an entire package? Or will I be as a god, knowing good and evil? Hard to say.

Friday, February 10, 2006

The Whole Place was Liable to Go Up in Flames

First I felt a strange sensation in my left ear, but I attributed the feeling to the fanatic wind that whistled down the lane and extinguished my last piece of coal. Then I felt a strange sensation in my sinuses, but I attributed the feeling to the damp that invades my garret. Did I think I was getting a cold? No, I did not think I was getting a cold. I did not think at all. Perhaps that is where I went wrong. Or perhaps I should have sold my timeshare in October, like the man said. At any rate, my affliction will not cut into my Olympics-watching time, because I hadn't planned on watching the Olympics.

The cold-medicine box said I should be feeling groggy by now, but I'm fine. If anyone wonders why I just drove the neighbor's Honda into the compost bins, they should keep in mind that the keys were left in the ignition, and that the bins were never meant to sit so close to the house anyway. The heat generated in those bins is tremendous; the whole place was liable to go up in flames.

Tonight, I saved lives. Tomorrow, I will rest.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I Have Assembled My Monkeys Here Today For a Reason


Thursday, February 02, 2006

Jefferson Bust Loves Memes Too


Four jobs Jefferson Bust has had:
1 Sit very still on thrift shop shelf
2 Successfully wait in ambush in Jeff Nelson's refrigerator
3 Sit very still on bookshelf
4 Guard houseplants

Four movies Jefferson Bust can watch over and over:
1 Last of the Mohicans
2 Kurt and Courtney
3 Clambake
4 Short Circuit

Four places Jefferson Bust has lived:
1 Living Room
2 Hallway
3 Bedroom
4 Sunroom

Four TV shows Jefferson Bust loves to watch:
1 Lou Dobbs Tonight
2 Ghost Hunters
3 The Jeffersons
4 Waiting for God

Four places Jefferson Bust has been on vacation:
Jefferson Bust doesn't go on vacations

Four of Jefferson Bust's favorite dishes:
1 Jolly Ranchers
2 Meow Mix
3 Cabbage
4 Milk

Four sites Jefferson Bust visits daily:
Jefferson Bust isn't allowed to use the computer because he has a gambling problem

Four places Jefferson Bust would rather be right now:
1 The swimming pool
2 James Taylor sit-down concert
3 Monticello
4 Cinnabon


Wednesday, February 01, 2006

My New Pen