Blog Hiatus Update

Just checking up on my blog hiatus. So far so good. Superficially, everything is fine, but what you probably didn't know is that I just ate a few apple seeds - accidentally - so I may die at any time. That reminds me of a story:

Once, when I was worried that someone would find my money, I taped it under the sofa and forgot about it. Later, when I traded that sofa for a new sofa, I forgot to transfer my taped money to the new sofa. When I found the guy who had my money sofa, I told him I forgot my leg medicine in the cushions and could he please let me find my leg medicine. He said sure, so I retrieved my money and got out of there.

But that's not all. I also use the leg medicine story to get free admission to the state fair. Every year I tell the admissions guy that I left my leg medicine at the root beer stand. "I need that medicine to live," I tell him. One year, when the state fair guy got wise and asked me why I take leg medicine, I told him I don't take leg medicine, and then I punched him in the face. Then I sprinted past the other ticket guys and bought myself a scotch egg. The trick is to eat the scotch egg while it's hot - it's no good when it's cold.

Blog Hiatus Still Going Strong

I just received an email from Euston Jaffrens, King of Fried Chicken. “Stop by my restaurant and I will feed you the best plate of fried chicken you ever tasted,” it said. I pedalled over to King of Fried Chicken only to be greeted by an empty dirt lot. No fried chicken as far as the eye could see. So I rode home and wrote to Euston Jaffrens: “Dear Mr. Jaffrens, I tried to find your restaurant, but it was not where you said it was. Please advise.” He promptly wrote back, “Sorry for the inconvenience, please accept this coupon for laser hair removal. Dr. Euston Jaffrens.”

Dammit, Dr. Jaffrens, I don’t have time for your laser hair removal. I barely have enough time for fried chicken. When Marguerite Duras said, “The best way to fill time is to waste it,” she was referring to just this kind of fried chicken hassle. I know this because we were in the Popeye’s drive-thru when she said it.

Let me tell you, that woman could really put away the fried chicken.

Marguerite Duras: Writer, Filmmaker,
Fried Chicken Enthusiast

Day Two of Official Blog Hiatus

Now that I am on blog hiatus, I feel compelled to post something. It’s just like mother always said: “Lose one shoe, too bad for you; lose two shoes, fuck off I’m not made of money.”

Just kidding. Mother would never say anything with an internal rhyme.

Summer Hiatus, By the Way

I don't know if you noticed, but I'm on hiatus. To learn more about my hiatus, or hiati in general, check out Wikipedia's Hiatus page. If you don't want to learn about hiati, I can't help you. Go back to Russia.