Meat Analogue Sandwich

I am eating some sort of meat analogue sandwich on gluten-free bread. It's good, but not that good, because someone burned the meat analogue. What to do? It's hard to get good meat analogue these days. It's not like the old days, when an enterprising chap could simply step out his back door and pick his own analogue.

*sigh*

Thank you, I'll be here all week.

Allow Me to Consult My Computer Dictionary

Do you think I should buy a canoe? I don’t really want one, but I hear they’re all the rage.

According to my computer dictionary, a canoe is “a light, slender boat that has pointed ends and is propelled by paddles.” Who cares? As far as watercraft is concerned, I think I’d prefer a fine pontoon; that way, I could walk into a bar and say, “I must admit, I have a fine pontoon.” The rabble will never appreciate this tremendous joke, but it is worth something in the proper milieu.