Let That be a Lesson to Him

One thing I find satisfying about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is that I still do not know how to pronounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I always say "Makh-mood Abidjibbijab." And what of it? If he doesn't like it, let him furnish me a letter of complaint on organizational letterhead.

People Used to Be Apes

For your FYI: People used to be apes before they evolved into people. Do you think people used to be apes? I do. This was before we had cameras, of course.

If I was an ape with a camera and I was evolving faster than my fellow apes, I'd take photos of my fellow apes to show my human grandchildren. If I was an ape and I was evolving at a rate similar to that of my fellow apes, I'd break their cameras so they couldn't take my photo. Otherwise they would probably show their human grandchildren my early ape photos and tell the kids that I evolved slower than the others because I never learned sums.

Monday Evening

I was going to liveblog Kenneth Branagh's reading of Goebbels' personal diaries on PBS, but I've decided against it. I'm too full. Just ate a turkey patty.

Counting Canadians

I spent all last week gearing up for Canada Census Day and now it is here. I can’t stand the suspense. Counting Canadians is one of my favorite social rituals. The most Canadians I’ve counted in one room is four, but that’s not counting half-Canadians or naturalized Canadians or men wearing pleated trousers.

Once I met a man named Shane. He was Canadian, but he was living in America. He wore great cavalry mustaches and regularly threatened passersby with a steak knife – all to avoid the usual penalty for being openly Canadian in America, which is having your eyes put out and your national park camping permit revoked.

I Was Born In Diet Pepsi, and I'll Die in Diet Pepsi

I just made up a new language. It's called Z-Drippy, and it will be the official language of my new nation-state, Diet Pepsi. Diet Pepsi will officially exist as soon as I can get PepsiCo to sign some paperwork. In the meantime, why not learn a few phrases? And because body language is 70% of communication, I've included some rudimentary gestures to help you along:

Where is the toilet?
Z-drippy toilet? (cup crotch with both hands, hop from one foot to the other)

Can I exchange money here?
Z-drippy money? (squint, pound fist on table)

How long will my flight be delayed?
Z-drippy delay? Delay? Delay? (flare nostrils rapidly)

I need a doctor. I have a sliver in my foot.
Z-drippy sliver? (sit quickly, remove shoe, point to foot)

I would like a double room.
Z-drippy DOUBLE ROOM. (jab index finger into receptionist's lapel)

How do I get to the beach?
Z-drippy beach? (smell hand with keen interest)

I'll have the salmon corn cakes.
Z-drippy! (point to item on menu)

I'm an American.
Z-drippy? (point to self, bare lower teeth only)

I'd like a cool, refreshing Diet Pepsi.
Z-drippy cool, refreshing Diet Pepsi. (rest forehead on table)

It Works Every Time

Good idea for a restaurant: Buy a restaurant that has all its parts intact. Put a sign on the door that says “Under New Management.” When patrons come in and sit down, give them some menus and take their orders. Then, go back into the kitchen, make yourself a cup of tea and work on a crossword puzzle. Eventually, the patrons will leave, and it will be too late for them to eat at another restaurant. Ha Ha! Suckers! It works every time.

This restaurant concept would not work with me as a patron, because I’m convinced that this is how most restaurants do business already. The difference is that they actually stock their kitchens with food. I’d never waste my restaurant money on food. I’d spend that money on quad bikes.

Vacation

I need a vacation, but I can’t figure out where to go, how to get there, how to pay for it, and how to avoid getting bedbugs at the hotel. Specifically I am looking for a holiday residence within walking distance of two Starbucks so that if I suffer some sort of embarrassing incident at one location, I can quickly and easily walk to the second location. It would be helpful to have a third Starbucks in the vicinity as well, for the same reason. A fourth Starbucks within walking distance would be superfluous but acceptable.

UPDATE: A fifth Starbucks would get on my nerves unless it was a very small Starbucks, i.e., serving drinks for take-away only, no tables or chairs or walls of merchandise.