I Hear You

Broke another halogen lamp in a fit of rage. Now I have this terrible skin rash. It is as if God is trying to tell me, "Listen, stop buying halogen lamps, they are pieces of shit."

The Archipelago is Off Limits, So to Speak

Just got off the phone with Wikipedia. They claim that birds common to Franz Josef Land include kittiwakes, fulmars, and gulls. This may be true, but I doubt it. I will believe it when I see it - and there is no general admission to Franz Josef Land without special permit, so I'll probably never go. It is not worth it to me. I don't see the point in acquiring special permits for anything. For example, when I drive, I do so on my own merit. I do not search out written permission from the state. Nor do I loiter about waiting for permission from car owners. I simply take their keys and I drive off. What can they do to me? If they do not like it, let them set after me on their bicycles.

Time Management

Sometimes I can’t blog because I’m too busy. It’s like, I wake up in the morning, have a cup of coffee, practice xylophone, have some lunch, go squirrel spotting, have some coffee, spot more squirrels, send some faxes, have some dinner, spot some squirrels, drink tea, go to bed. Sometimes I think my xylophone monopolizes too much of my time. How I loathe the xylophone. I’m beginning to think that the time I spend practicing xylophone could be better spent sending additional faxes, or spotting squirrels.

Website Content Update

I just looked at my blog, and it turns out I haven't posted anything since Monday.

Tuesday: Tuesday was a great day. I can't remember what happened.

Wednesday: Wednesday was fine.

Thursday: Waited for some calls. When the calls came, I was furious.

Friday: Today is Friday. I'll tell you how this goes next Monday.

It Makes a World of Difference

I just thought up a fantastic story about a king who likes fox hunting, but then one day he is poisoned by a can of jumbo sardines. He doesn't actually eat the sardines, he only holds the tin in his hand. The tin is coated with touch-poison.

Touch-poison is my favorite poison, though I am also fond of ear-poison. Ear poison is a type of touch-poison, but it has to go into the ear. That’s why they call it ear poison.

I had a couple more thoughts I wanted to share with you about ear poison, but my microwave peach cobbler just dinged.

Chris

I was wondering what kind of neck tattoo Chris should get now that he has benign hair. By "benign" I refer to definition 3a: "of a mild type or character that does not threaten health or life." I used to lie awake at night worrying that Chris would get his hair snared in a tree branch as his horse raced out from beneath him, or that his manly ringlets would be sucked into a vent as he passed the laundromat. Anyway, now that his locks are shorn, what kind of neck tattoo should Chris get?

What kind of neck tattoo should Chris get? Morton Salt Girl Bleeding Bottle of Grey Poupon Chinese Character for Grey Poupon Ziggy in a Hot Air Balloon Likeness of His Own Face with the Old Hair Angry Dragon Opening Package of Cough Drops Simon and Garfunkel (after Greatest Hits cover photo)    Free polls from Pollhost.com

My New Meme

I've just created a fantastic meme. You can answer these questions on your own blog if you like, but I'm not going to officially tag anybody until my friend Schaffer returns from his Nigerian business trip.

What is your full name?
What is your date of birth?
What four cities have you lived in?
What four TV shows do you love?
What four credit cards do you currently use?
What are four credit account numbers assigned you, and when (month/year) do they expire?
Do you have four credit card pin numbers, and if so, what are they?
What does your mother's maiden name look like if you type it four times in a row?
What are the first four digits of your social security number?
What are the last four digits of your social security number?
What number did you leave out of your nine-digit social security number? (That's your lucky number!)
What are the first four lines of your mailing address?
What are your four favorite banks?
What are your four favorite bean dishes?
What four people do you wish to tag with this meme?

Man Burns Hand on Remarkably Hot Hat

I just spoke to a man who burned his hand on a remarkably hot hat. "The hat was in my car, in the rear window. I reached back to pick it up, and I was like, ow, this is really hot. Then I thought about it for a minute and I was like, wow, how does a hat get that hot? It was remarkably hot." By the time I met him, the man had been milling around the parking lot for 15 minutes trying to get people to touch his hat. "Here, feel how hot this hat is," he’d say. "You won’t believe it. It’s not as hot as it was, but it’s still pretty warm."

For those of you wondering, the hat resembled a Greek fisherman’s cap without the little braided cord across the bill.

Stop Trying to Sit on My Sofa, You Insensitive Swine

Lately I've been collecting interesting rocks in a suitcase, but now my suitcase is missing. I thought I'd put it next to the sofa. Now it's not there. I've adapted to my loss by storing my newest rocks on the sofa, but how long can this arrangement last? Would-be sofasitters balk when confronted by my interesting rocks. They don't want to sit on my rocks and they don't mind saying so. When you get right down to it, I don't want people sitting on my rocks. Pull up a chair if you are so inclined; it matters not to me. My primary objective is to recover my suitcase and the interesting rocks within.

No More Poems

That's it. I'm not writing any more lazy free verse office supply poetry for Paul. I don't like what it does to people. For example, Orlando's Jan Peters read my last poem aloud and both of his canaries died. Mr. Kinny read one of my office supply poems and decided to move out of the neighborhood. I received an email from him two days later. It said, "I have downed several trees and am constructing a small cabin on National Park land. What can they do to me? Absolutely nothing. What do you use for chinking when you build your cabins? Write back soon." I haven't replied yet. I'm trying to remember what I used for chinking last time I built a cabin. I'm also trying to remember when I built a cabin, and where I put it when I finished it.

Everything I Do, I Do for Paul, Post #2

Swingline(R) High-Capacity Staples, Box Of 2500
Breeze through the trees
Then come the bees
No way with that spray, I like me some bees
Shhh, I'm trying to sleep
Swingline(R) High-Capacity Staples, Box Of 2500
Have you any floss?
I have a popcorn kernel thing
Between my teeth
Just like Huey Long used to say
"Flossa Flossa Flossa, I'm the Bossa"

Who you callin drunk?